The Soulmate

Sometimes you meet someone and you feel like you found your "soulmate"... Like since the moment you too met, you two click... Spontaneous compatibility...you talk every day, spend most of the time together hanging out, you don't keep secrets from each other, you have common interests that you enjoy doing together... But then it comes a moment when one of you might develop feelings towards the other... And at this particular moment everything might just falls apart if the other person perceives you as a friend... And you keep wondering with such very strong computability and understanding and too much in common and how much you enjoy the company why can't it just work out?! Why can't you be together?! What hinders the start of a wonderful relationship?!

But you just keep wondering

Cause there is nothing you can do about it...

You can't let go and you can't be together... And there you are hanging in the air, with fear that all this might fall down in a second and you are left here broken, with a huge emptiness inside of you like someone took away your soul...

And I believe that this thought will keep haunting you forever, keeping you wake at night and slowly consuming you.... Until you, will break everything apart....

 

Judgmental

I know I might be deviating from the main subject which is the story between the guy and I. yet actually what I am going to talk about is incorporated in the issue. the case am handling is "JUDGEMENT". a lot of people rely on the first impression they get when meeting someone. And from my point of view this is totally wrong. I can see someone, and think he/she is self-centred, or funny, or stubborn, etc. But this doesn't mean that my impression is correct. It might in some cases be right, of course, yet in other times it's just WRONG. so why treat someone relying on first impression?! in my opinion, treat everyone in a good way, if you later discovered that they aren't that good enough, or not your type, or you can't stand, DONNOT totally ignore them. Yet just treat them superficially. There's a major difference between our prejudice and decency. I might hate someone, yet I treat them nicely. there's a difference. 

hatred has spread out a lot these days. I hear people saying: I hate him/her. I ask for the reason and I find you can say non sense. Crap, just crap that has been said. 
Another thing that really bugs me. Rumours!!! people spread rumours, I can accept that, gossipy is very tasty and it's a human feature. Yet what make me angry is that they believe their own gossipy and deal with it as it was a true fact!!! it's like I invent a lie and then believe it and live with it!! this is lunacy, I guess. people love to ruin others reputation. If a person is known to be well mannered. they do their best to ruin him/her!!
I just wonder why! this happened to me. people spread rumours about me a lot. And they judge me wrongly. And when the truth is revealed they refuse to admit it. 
Also, the GUY. I heard some shocking things that had been spread about him. I didn't believe it of course. Yet I also did the best I could do to discover the truth. few were right and the rest were wrong!! well I guess that's all what's in my mind!! I just needed to talk about it because I was truly mad!! hope people think in a more reasonable way!!!

Trust me; not

 

Trust?! I really don't understand the meaning of this word...Not anymore! I used to believe that trust, honesty, and all those things people talk about still exist. Yet after being stabbed so hard in the back I TRUST no more...
You'll ask what does this have to do with the GUY, the INTRUDER, or THE GANG. well, it's so related to this issue I can say. when you trust the wrong people or person, this can ruin your life, sabotage your relationships, destroy your friendship and a lot more. I trusted the wrong people so many times. I guess I don't learn my lessons. But now, after being stabbed for a hundred of times, no more trust. I just can't!! I lost faith in everyone. people get mad at me because I don't trust them. I have some thoughts which when I share with others think I maybe me " PSYCOLOGICALLY DISTURBED”. But they don't understand what I have been through. I trusted the GANG and thought that they were good friends then, I discovered the plot they had made to ruin everything and turn my happiness into misery! then I ask myself and wonder why they did so? I never hurt them? never harmed them? was the most faithful and honest friend, so why do this to me?! I guess some people enjoy ruining others’ lives.
another time I trusted two of my friends and thought they were my loyal best friends. they were so loyal, so caring, so loving, so perfect! but I guess perfect means: your dumb enough not to discover you're being fooled. they stabbed me so hard, thought so badly of me, thought that I betrayed them, acted as if they never knew me, did their best to destroy me. talked badly behind my back, destroyed my relationships with many people. Even they seek revenge of me!! I mean seriously?! REVENGE?! what have I done?! yea I remember, one asked me to help her with a guy thing, then he dumped her and asked to be in relation with me and I said NO because I hated him, I only stood there beside her because she asked me. because I thought she was my best friend. you know friends do stuff for others you know!! And I paid the price of my kindness and faithfulness. And the other one knew the truth but didn't speak up. moreover, she supported the idea of avenging of me! thanks people you're so kind. and a lot more, a friend who started being close to me, and I was her role model. then she found out that she can't keep up with me, that I was way better than her in many aspects. so, she couldn't handle it. searched for my mistakes, insulted me, said hurtful words to me. All what I am saying is the crude truth, I swear am not lying. All this actually happened!!  And the last time, but this time I admit it I never trusted them. they asked to be my friends, then started insulting me, talking badly about me, and say it to my face, they talk about people in a dreadful way, mock people, spread rumours, etc....everything bad, they do!! I split from them and I am thankful that I did so. 
ooohhh!! I understand no more... I am so numb! I can no longer understand people?! everyone judges me, no one looks at the mirror to see themselves?! so why me?! is it possible that after all I am the villain?! I am that bad?! I don't know actually! I have been trying to search for the truth for many years........
yet, I FAILED!!

Just Grow up people

 

Gossip! it's a demon that can ruin any relationship. It's a damn snake that keeps on sneaking and sucking others’ lives. But human and gossipy are like one package. Can never be separated. Yet I guess sometimes people can control it....
gossipy and rumours are actually the same. years ago, it wasn't that much of harm to people. But nowadays, gossipy or rumours aren't just some stories being invented. the issue is more complicated....
people might fake a whole story with its details, and may support it by fake pictures, comments, or any clues to satisfy their human instincts. What hurts is that people who you trust, or who you call close friends may end up talking badly about you behind your back. What hurts more is that your close friends might actually believe all this shit although they are sure they aren't true. But people love to go along with the stream...
I myself, suffer from gossipy actually. I talk with a guy I newly met and two days later I hear the newly invented stories. And oh, my how they make me laugh. I mean come on people, am not looking for a relationship, or am not seeking marriage.!! Grow up for cry out loud!! Stop acting like such babies. Girls and Guys can be just FRIENDS it's not something illegal or a sin. so, I guess people must live with it and get over it....
not any two talking together, maybe a lot, maybe best friends so ohm!! they are in love?! 
And even if?! since when did love become a sin?! is it banned for some people to like and love ?! and others are allowed?! we are all human !! stop acting with such discrimination!!
I am not perfect, sometimes I may talk, but I talk to myself, maybe with a friend or something and this to criticize only. Mainly because what I see is off limits sometimes. But I don't invent stories or fairy tales about others. This can ruin everything, destroy reputations, and destruct oneself!! I was harmed a lot because of this gossipy...
I know it's so delicious and tasty, but before you talk about someone and spread-out wrong news just stop a little and think for some time,
what goes around comes around...
today you are spreading gossips and the other day you are listening to those who had been said about you!! so is it still tasty and seducing?! I think not!!!

Dreams

 

Dreams! what they truly are?! Some people say that dreams reflect our feelings. Others say they reflect our sub-conscious. I guess Dreams are more complicated, and have a wider scope.
But when dreaming of someone?! what does it imply?! Some claim that when you dream of someone it means the miss you. But am not convinced actually! I guess when you dream of someone is that because you miss them!! And the dream depends on what you feel inside, and what you think of inside your mind!! 
To me, I dream a lot of the GUY. I just can't help it. Sometimes I wake up from those dreams so happy, other times I am so frown! yesterday I had a dream about him. He was there, but so sad! he was feeling so down. But the devil was also there. One member of the GANG whom I thought was my best friend. She was there with us, being a hypocrite. acting like she truly cares about him, while I am 100% positive, she doesn't give a shit.
and the dream continued. It was so weird! I just wonder, can someone feel the other one who he loves?! I mean is the GUY really in a bad condition?! is he feeling that much desperate?! Or I wish he is?! or I fear he is?! or maybe be I THINK he is?!
a lot of questions and no answers. things are mumbling inside my head. like a tornado maybe, I am going crazy.  I thought I got over this feeling towards him. Yet I can't help myself from searching for him?! thinking of how he feels? wishing I can see him?! and of course since we don't talk anymore all the means of checking on him seem helpless and in vain.
I don't know, I am numb again. I thought I finally found a substitution for him but who am I kidding?! I was just lying to myself, trying to deceive me!! how pathetic....
I just wish if he is not for me, I have the will do get over it completely and start living my life!!! Dreams! what they truly are?! Some people say that dreams reflect our feelings. Others say they reflect our sub-conscious. I guess Dreams are more complicated, and have a wider scope.
But when dreaming of someone?! what does it imply?! Some claim that when you dream of someone it means the miss you. But am not convinced actually! I guess when you dream of someone is that because you miss them!! And the dream depends on what you feel inside, and what you think of inside your mind!! 
To me, I dream a lot of the GUY. I just can't help it. Sometimes I wake up from those dreams so happy, other times I am so frown! yesterday I had a dream about him. He was there, but so sad! he was feeling so down. But the devil was also there. One member of the GANG whom I thought was my best friend. She was there with us, being a hypocrite. acting like she truly cares about him, while I am 100% positive, she doesn't give a shit.
and the dream continued. It was so weird! I just wonder, can someone feel the other one who he loves?! I mean is the GUY really in a bad condition?! is he feeling that much desperate?! Or I wish he is?! or I fear he is?! or maybe be I THINK he is?!
a lot of questions and no answers. things are mumbling inside my head. like a tornado maybe, I am going crazy.  I thought I got over this feeling towards him. Yet I can't help myself from searching for him?! thinking of how he feels? wishing I can see him?! and of course since we don't talk anymore all the means of checking on him seem helpless and in vain.
I don't know, I am numb again. I thought I finally found a substitution for him but who am I kidding?! I was just lying to myself, trying to deceive me!! how pathetic....
I just wish if he is not for me, I have the will do get over it completely and start living my life!!!

LOVE SUCKS

 

knock knock. Who’s this? it's love...go away 
get out of here cause my broken heart I always pay 
I won’t let you in into ma heart 
cause the continuous dilemma I don’t want to restart 

since I was a toddler I learned not to show 
my inside feelings and to no on I bow 
ppl think am cold with thin inside 
but am full of emotions that am keen to hide 

do you cry ? it was often a surprise 
people just exclaim at it and their eyebrows rise 
but people am just a human like you 
I laugh I cry etc....same as you all do 

but now I grew up and I wish I never had 
cut ma feelings are scattered that’s too bad 
sadness and so on appear in my eyes 
and my long lasting smile by time it dies 

I have a problem I love too much 
that’s why when betrayed I badly crush 
alma trying to fix it but I always fail 
cut on ma close special one I usually bail 

yet when I hate someone it’s the opposite shit 
I can be terrible like ocean waves that hit 
even if I am sad or crying rage is my only dominant 
and towards the tractor it never ends its permeant 

prejudice that’s the common manner these days 
stupid ugly not cool that’s what they say 
what happened to ppl I just wonder?? 
have they been hit by a lousy thunder?? 

don’t judge me you don’t know who I truly am?? 
you throw your roomers they cruel as a body slam 
just w8 give it a shot know me first 
before setting fire to me in it I just burst 

no one deserves never thought I’d say!! 
but all who are wound you leave never stay 
with no reason maybe they just got dull 
or maybe their brains are no more inside their skull 

even feeling don’t mean a thing anymore 
it can disappear after turning into a bore 
are people heartless? is that just true? 
that’s the only possible explanation for what they do 

LOVE isn’t just a four lettered word 
then after it they stab your heart with a sword 
its more than this is a deep meaning 
like when you run away from your love...from the inside your screaming... 

but now it’s just when bored having fun' 
no matter the other partner being shot with a gun 
everyone thinks of himself no one else never 
what happened to humanity is it gone forever??!! 

hanging dangling down a thread 
upside down bliss running into my head 
am numb I can feel no more 
because all I fell is ma heart in sore 

love makes you strong they say it’s a lie 
it’s just wasting your dignity over some guy 
u must be heartless to know how to deal 
with those damn jerks before your heart they steal 

I once locked ma heart and threw the key 
in the ocean where no one can see 
but u found it got it and unlocked 
my heart then held it in your hands and it u blocked 

blocked it from loving anyone but u 
and I can’t stop loving u its true 
I am trapped in handcuffs can’t move 
I am being crushed between the grooves 

I am doing my best to forget those days 
and ignoring shit that ppl says 
but I can’t u still lingers here 
and in my heart you stay my eyes burst in tears 

I don’t know what happened for all the split? 
and I beg u to stop doing your shit 
it’s not my fault maybe it is but I can’t know 
because what really happened you don’t want to show 

do u think I played u, is that it? 
because I think you too played me more than a bit 
but I swear you were everything to me 
and u just can’t notice it neither can u see 

now you’re punishing me for something I didn’t do? 
and u believed what was said although it isn’t the truth? 
and what am I supposed to do to make u understand? 
you push me away you move away my hand 

never thought it will end this way 
and to be enemies hating each other’s will come a day 
you still can fix it just go back who you were 
I still know the old u is inside there 

I till now can’t believe you’re the bad guy 
and whatever others say about u I won’t buy 
but what u turned into is very sad 
from being an angel to a devil so bad 

the memories keep haunting me day and night 
and your image unfortunately never leaves my sight 
just end this pain but any means I don’t care 
it’s the hole in my heart hurting I can’t bare 

can love tyour into such hatred and rage? 
and once I thought we were on the same page? 
I made a lot of mistakes I won’t deny! 
but I can’t go back in time to fix them I sigh 

I should have told u the truth from the beginning 
better than waiting for u to be back and begging 
but I was AFRAID ABOUT U NOT ME 
how now you think am bad can I be?? 

why does it always happen to me I want to know 
everything must go wrong 5 in a row 
I want to feel happy once in my life 
before its ruined as always am cut with a knife 

its awful how can a person affects u like that 
then u just discover has an ugly filthy rat 
whose dumb enough to push away the bless 
someone who has no brain I guess 

I want to go back in time I pray 
so I prevent myself from meeting u that day 
maybe find a memory deleting bottom 
and you disappear from mu life all of a sudden 

but all this is just crap it won’t happen ever 
and I guess am bound to you forever 
omg I want to wake up of this nightmare 
cut I feel you at me all the time stare 

I want you to pay back what I’ve done to me 
and I want it to happen now Infront of me 
so I can satisfy mu feeling of revenge 
before I fall of here off this edge 

to that extent you really don’t want to c me 
I never thought that this is how u wanted it to be 
from friends to close then the curve goes down 
and by that my smile tyours into a frown 

that’s all I have no more words to say 
but just I don’t think that I may 
feel better after saying what’s inside 
cut all time what I really feel I just hide 

is I just wonder when will this end? 
and when will my heart from the break will mend? 
now what was between us is suspended 
and this wasn’t what I really intended 

farewell for now may you pay your debt 
and misery and sadness be all what u get 
I won’t forgive u never forget it 
cut I have drunk enough from all your shit 

go away step back I hate u 
although your love is in my heart is still true 
but that’s why we in our heads have brains 
to knowhow to set free from love chains 


knock knock. Who’s this? it's love...go away 
get out of here cause my broken heart I always pay 
I won’t let you in into ma heart 
cause the continuous dilemma I don’t want to restart

Top of Form

 

Bottom of Form

 

Drowning

 

I'm drowning down the sea 
ocean waves hitting me 
trying to pull myself up 
but I can no more I give up 
like falling into a black hole 
acting in a play with no role 
someone takes my hands and grab 
all behind my back they stab 
what's wrong with everyone I don't know 
evil, envy and shit they show 
friends they say what a joke 
in the end they eat your flesh like a hawk 
friendship isn't love u, babe, and so on 
all this crap has been gone 
LOVE...that is another story I say 
it's just a damn game they play 
I lose the game every time I try 
so I stopped my dignity I want to buy 
asphyxiated, asphyxiated I can’t breathe 
or on my skin feel the warm breeze 
I feel life is just an illusion 
am living in a dilemma, full of confusion 
they tell u " don't give a shit" 
I tried to do this a little but 
but am the kind who hated to lie 
to myself, how do they do it oh my!! 
words can’t describe how I feel 
my wounds can no longer heal 
scratching and rubbing them again 
once in a while what a pain??!! 
trying to hold on to someone 
but all the good ones are gone 
they change into something bad 
what should I do am so mad!! 
farewell, my so long friends 
u have died you've reached the end 
may your souls rest in peace 
since then my heart is broken into pieces 
I miss you; you can’t believe how much 
but u abandoned me left ma heart to crush 
but, I still find excuses for you 
am so stupid I know it's so true 
sadness when will it end? 
and may my heart after all mends 
and ma eyes are swollen all red 
my bursting tears wetting my bed 
dreams, dreams make them stop 
I can take no more my heart will drop 
your image lie in my mind 
I feel your soul from behind 
I have sad a lot I have tried a lot but in vain 
o am trapped in this, in this pain 
pull me out of it help me 
am drowning drowning cant u see??!! 
you're now so far away from me 
and u and me together can't be 
I can’t believe the story has finished 
and all the good memories has vanished 
but what to do am used to this 
it's just you I really miss 
yet I have to move on life goes on 
and I must realize the fairy-tale is done 
now it comes to people everywhere 
at me wherever I go they stare 
don't want to leave me alone what the hell? 
I feel I want hide myself in a shell... 
stop this all this laughter and mocking 
it really bugs me my trace you're stocking 
what do you want more am destructed 
my soul ,my mind, my everything abducted 
the "nerd" that is what is said 
I think it will relieve u to find me dead 
enough you're like voices in my head 
never stop even in my sleep in my bed 
"jealousy" just blind folded their eyes 
and am sick and tired of their lies 
leave me on my own I beg you 
what more to say I condemn you 
your eyes in every place checking me 
hatred and envy in them I see 
in the dark like owls so frightening 
I am searching for a place for hiding 
oh GOD lord am praying to you 
to protect me from what they do 
and to keep me safe in your mercy 
cause I really am losing my lunacy 
so, no more words come to my mind 
I feel am being betrayed from behind 
so am drowning down deep the sea 
waiting for someone to save me.....!!
                                                                      

Lost & Shattered

 

Nobody knew hard it is to be
So empty, so lost, feeling astray like me
Don’t blame me for becoming what I am
Because I’ve been trying to hold on like a dam

Trust?! Pardon me, I don’t understand?!
Things are in a mess, getting out of my hand
Betrayal, is so easy now, that’s what I get
It happens wherever I go, with everyone I’ve met

Honesty?! Wow! This word seems blur
Just fading away, got lost like a little girl
Lies, all seem so easy to be told
And those promises are that were meant to be hold

Over-reacting, I often was accused of
Your words are mean, just too tough
Be in mu shoe, and then come and judge me
You’ll be shocked at what you’ll see

I hold my tears so hard not to weep
Because I often cry myself to sleep
I feel weak, pathetic ripped off
You say it’s so silly, all this stuff

Alone?! I try to convince myself it’s wrong
But this feeling keeps ringing in my head like a song
Happy! I wish I feel it once in my life time
But sadness keeps cutting me like a knife

I’m strong, emotionless, heartless you claim
And myself is the one to blame
For showing that I really don’t care
When things push me so hard that I can’t bear

Don’t judge me; you don’t know what’s true
For all what’s happening I blame you
I am always proved wrong, what the hell
I will speak up for myself, get out of this shell

Yet I try and try but all in vain
Agony, pain and misery I just gain
And once I think things got better
Just a few minutes and I get shattered

So?! That’s life, I’ll have to do the time
I’ll keep my voice down, like a mime
I’ll fade away in the shadows at last
And become a memory, just something from the past