Drowning

 

I'm drowning down the sea 
ocean waves hitting me 
trying to pull myself up 
but I can no more I give up 
like falling into a black hole 
acting in a play with no role 
someone takes my hands and grab 
all behind my back they stab 
what's wrong with everyone I don't know 
evil, envy and shit they show 
friends they say what a joke 
in the end they eat your flesh like a hawk 
friendship isn't love u, babe, and so on 
all this crap has been gone 
LOVE...that is another story I say 
it's just a damn game they play 
I lose the game every time I try 
so I stopped my dignity I want to buy 
asphyxiated, asphyxiated I can’t breathe 
or on my skin feel the warm breeze 
I feel life is just an illusion 
am living in a dilemma, full of confusion 
they tell u " don't give a shit" 
I tried to do this a little but 
but am the kind who hated to lie 
to myself, how do they do it oh my!! 
words can’t describe how I feel 
my wounds can no longer heal 
scratching and rubbing them again 
once in a while what a pain??!! 
trying to hold on to someone 
but all the good ones are gone 
they change into something bad 
what should I do am so mad!! 
farewell, my so long friends 
u have died you've reached the end 
may your souls rest in peace 
since then my heart is broken into pieces 
I miss you; you can’t believe how much 
but u abandoned me left ma heart to crush 
but, I still find excuses for you 
am so stupid I know it's so true 
sadness when will it end? 
and may my heart after all mends 
and ma eyes are swollen all red 
my bursting tears wetting my bed 
dreams, dreams make them stop 
I can take no more my heart will drop 
your image lie in my mind 
I feel your soul from behind 
I have sad a lot I have tried a lot but in vain 
o am trapped in this, in this pain 
pull me out of it help me 
am drowning drowning cant u see??!! 
you're now so far away from me 
and u and me together can't be 
I can’t believe the story has finished 
and all the good memories has vanished 
but what to do am used to this 
it's just you I really miss 
yet I have to move on life goes on 
and I must realize the fairy-tale is done 
now it comes to people everywhere 
at me wherever I go they stare 
don't want to leave me alone what the hell? 
I feel I want hide myself in a shell... 
stop this all this laughter and mocking 
it really bugs me my trace you're stocking 
what do you want more am destructed 
my soul ,my mind, my everything abducted 
the "nerd" that is what is said 
I think it will relieve u to find me dead 
enough you're like voices in my head 
never stop even in my sleep in my bed 
"jealousy" just blind folded their eyes 
and am sick and tired of their lies 
leave me on my own I beg you 
what more to say I condemn you 
your eyes in every place checking me 
hatred and envy in them I see 
in the dark like owls so frightening 
I am searching for a place for hiding 
oh GOD lord am praying to you 
to protect me from what they do 
and to keep me safe in your mercy 
cause I really am losing my lunacy 
so, no more words come to my mind 
I feel am being betrayed from behind 
so am drowning down deep the sea 
waiting for someone to save me.....!!
                                                                      

Lost & Shattered

 

Nobody knew hard it is to be
So empty, so lost, feeling astray like me
Don’t blame me for becoming what I am
Because I’ve been trying to hold on like a dam

Trust?! Pardon me, I don’t understand?!
Things are in a mess, getting out of my hand
Betrayal, is so easy now, that’s what I get
It happens wherever I go, with everyone I’ve met

Honesty?! Wow! This word seems blur
Just fading away, got lost like a little girl
Lies, all seem so easy to be told
And those promises are that were meant to be hold

Over-reacting, I often was accused of
Your words are mean, just too tough
Be in mu shoe, and then come and judge me
You’ll be shocked at what you’ll see

I hold my tears so hard not to weep
Because I often cry myself to sleep
I feel weak, pathetic ripped off
You say it’s so silly, all this stuff

Alone?! I try to convince myself it’s wrong
But this feeling keeps ringing in my head like a song
Happy! I wish I feel it once in my life time
But sadness keeps cutting me like a knife

I’m strong, emotionless, heartless you claim
And myself is the one to blame
For showing that I really don’t care
When things push me so hard that I can’t bear

Don’t judge me; you don’t know what’s true
For all what’s happening I blame you
I am always proved wrong, what the hell
I will speak up for myself, get out of this shell

Yet I try and try but all in vain
Agony, pain and misery I just gain
And once I think things got better
Just a few minutes and I get shattered

So?! That’s life, I’ll have to do the time
I’ll keep my voice down, like a mime
I’ll fade away in the shadows at last
And become a memory, just something from the past

Blur

 

Blur....everything become just blur...what's right?! what's wrong?! which way to choose?! Speak up? to Shut up? stand up for what you believe?! Or stay silent in the shadows? 
Life?! Friends? Family?! Everything is in a mess! love?! hate?! betrayal? loyalty? honesty? lies?
Opposites are just screwing my mind....
I look around me, and what I see?! I don't know. I can no longer understand! mysteries everywhere!!
Asphyxiated, feeling down, depressed, and messed up.... why all that?! what's wrong with me?! I don't know.... I got no clue?!
I cry myself to sleep, every single night! but for what? for someone?! for something?! NO!!
for "myself"...I look at myself in the mirror...how I turned to be, what path I chose to go, how my life became!
And I weep...cause it's awful, the right seems wrong, the wrong seems right.
letting go seems a mistake, then moving on seems the only way.
troubles everywhere, shit happens constantly. fears come reality; dreams fade away...smile just so fake.... tears are my stake....
no one understands, no one is there...looking back at every incident that took place...
how could I be so stupid?! how could I trust those people?! I should have been more easy-going...those words were so mean...I should have scolded them immediately; I made a mistake...
All seems in chaos...everything seems BLUR...…

 

The Broken Glass

 

Memories....some are good which make us smile.
others are terrible, often make us weep.
Forgetting those memories isn't something we choose by our own will. especially when it's related to something or someone really is or was important to us. In case of bad memories, they keep on going round and round in our minds, like ghosts haunting us everywhere, reminding us of the wrong steps we've taken, the wrong people we were friends with, the terrible advice we took, and the wrong ones we loved. 
As to me, memories never leave my head. Few are good, they make me smile. The rest are terrible, they just make me frown and weep. 
Seeing "him" everywhere brings it all. I remember mostly all the memories we shared. Every wrong step I took. Every advice that ruined my life. Everyone I trusted and betrayed my trust. then I tell myself: how could I be so naïve? how could I be that stupid? believing them? falling for their tricks? And why did they do this to me? I never harmed them. I truly thought they were my friends. But regression brings no use. It just brings misery and pain.
So now what? I just wonder. till when will I stay bound to "Him”? I want to wake up from this nightmare. And I am doing my best!!! May God be in my help!!!

Multiple personalities

 

Who am I?! I don't know who I am anymore. I feel am lost, I can't understand me anymore.
Am I the cute, shy girl? who faces difficulty talking to others? or am I the bold girl, who is sociable and can make lots of friends in no time?
Maybe I am reckless somehow?! I take snap decisions then may regret most of them?!
I am mad?! or let's say crazy?! well yea, in a second I can turn into a Waco. 
sometimes I feel naïve, believing people so easily. Getting myself into trouble.
or maybe I am stupid? I trust people, the wrong ones. I don't learn from my mistakes at once. who am I?! I am totally confused. I am a lot of things, different or multiple personalities.
I guess am just a unique hybrid of everything. But I can't find a match, someone compatible to me. someone or some people that can handle being with me, accept me as I am! oh I forgot, am moody too.
I can be fun, smiling, laughing miss sunshine as people say. But in a glimpse, I can turn frown, sad. feel agony, drama queen as some describes me. I get angry?! well hell yes. I am nervous too. I am everything, I am a human being!! so why do people see only the bad points in me?! I am loving, caring, friendly, trustworthy, etc. 
NUMB!!!!! I am numb, I want to know who am I! hope I can find myself before it's too late!!!