Blur

 

Blur....everything become just blur...what's right?! what's wrong?! which way to choose?! Speak up? to Shut up? stand up for what you believe?! Or stay silent in the shadows? 
Life?! Friends? Family?! Everything is in a mess! love?! hate?! betrayal? loyalty? honesty? lies?
Opposites are just screwing my mind....
I look around me, and what I see?! I don't know. I can no longer understand! mysteries everywhere!!
Asphyxiated, feeling down, depressed, and messed up.... why all that?! what's wrong with me?! I don't know.... I got no clue?!
I cry myself to sleep, every single night! but for what? for someone?! for something?! NO!!
for "myself"...I look at myself in the mirror...how I turned to be, what path I chose to go, how my life became!
And I weep...cause it's awful, the right seems wrong, the wrong seems right.
letting go seems a mistake, then moving on seems the only way.
troubles everywhere, shit happens constantly. fears come reality; dreams fade away...smile just so fake.... tears are my stake....
no one understands, no one is there...looking back at every incident that took place...
how could I be so stupid?! how could I trust those people?! I should have been more easy-going...those words were so mean...I should have scolded them immediately; I made a mistake...
All seems in chaos...everything seems BLUR...…

 

The Broken Glass

 

Memories....some are good which make us smile.
others are terrible, often make us weep.
Forgetting those memories isn't something we choose by our own will. especially when it's related to something or someone really is or was important to us. In case of bad memories, they keep on going round and round in our minds, like ghosts haunting us everywhere, reminding us of the wrong steps we've taken, the wrong people we were friends with, the terrible advice we took, and the wrong ones we loved. 
As to me, memories never leave my head. Few are good, they make me smile. The rest are terrible, they just make me frown and weep. 
Seeing "him" everywhere brings it all. I remember mostly all the memories we shared. Every wrong step I took. Every advice that ruined my life. Everyone I trusted and betrayed my trust. then I tell myself: how could I be so naïve? how could I be that stupid? believing them? falling for their tricks? And why did they do this to me? I never harmed them. I truly thought they were my friends. But regression brings no use. It just brings misery and pain.
So now what? I just wonder. till when will I stay bound to "Him”? I want to wake up from this nightmare. And I am doing my best!!! May God be in my help!!!

Multiple personalities

 

Who am I?! I don't know who I am anymore. I feel am lost, I can't understand me anymore.
Am I the cute, shy girl? who faces difficulty talking to others? or am I the bold girl, who is sociable and can make lots of friends in no time?
Maybe I am reckless somehow?! I take snap decisions then may regret most of them?!
I am mad?! or let's say crazy?! well yea, in a second I can turn into a Waco. 
sometimes I feel naïve, believing people so easily. Getting myself into trouble.
or maybe I am stupid? I trust people, the wrong ones. I don't learn from my mistakes at once. who am I?! I am totally confused. I am a lot of things, different or multiple personalities.
I guess am just a unique hybrid of everything. But I can't find a match, someone compatible to me. someone or some people that can handle being with me, accept me as I am! oh I forgot, am moody too.
I can be fun, smiling, laughing miss sunshine as people say. But in a glimpse, I can turn frown, sad. feel agony, drama queen as some describes me. I get angry?! well hell yes. I am nervous too. I am everything, I am a human being!! so why do people see only the bad points in me?! I am loving, caring, friendly, trustworthy, etc. 
NUMB!!!!! I am numb, I want to know who am I! hope I can find myself before it's too late!!!